If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
