No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
