when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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