I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
