That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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