Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
