my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I think your dad took our porno
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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