He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
