she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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