somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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