why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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