I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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