oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
