you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Randomize
