I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
