My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
