I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
