Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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