he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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