Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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