so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
