I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
