Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
