Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
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