lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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