My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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