I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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