Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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