shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
