They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Randomize
