If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
