i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
