You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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