Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Randomize
