I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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