I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We have so much sex to catch up on
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
