i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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