Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
