As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
