Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
being pregnant is like rehab
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Randomize
