i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
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we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
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We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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