We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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