The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
