Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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