this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
