i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just found puke in my bra..
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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