I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
