that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
