when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
