I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You're like the curious george of whores
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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