the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
so much tequila, so little girl.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
