Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
