Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
