gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
