Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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