Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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