So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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