I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
too bad burritos don't cuddle back