I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
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In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
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How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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