I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
