if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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