I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
