Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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